Today’s News

 

Projectile Malfunction

Freddy suffered badly from projectile malfunction.
No matter what method he used his rocket would not work.
He tried this and he tried that, without any satisfaction,
Always ended up, feeling like a jerk!

 

What’s In a Title?

If The “Nut” never needed the “Cracker?”
Where would the “Lake” be without the “Swan?”
Did that “Duck” always remain “Ugly”
And why did it take so long for the “Pea” to be gone?
Supposing the “Amazons” had swallowed the “Swallows,”
Then where would we all be?
Perhaps in a “Boat” with “Three Men” drifting out to sea.
If there had only been the best of times,
Then would“The Tale Of two Cities” ever have been told?
And I hope I get some “Artificial Intelligence”
Before I get too old!

 

The Semi-Colon Who Wanted To Be Laid

The little semi-colon sat with a conscience heavily weighed.

In the corner, he waited patiently with the hope of getting laid.
(don’t jump to conclusions)

On a page not written but gasping to get out,

From the writer’s mind as he struggled with the form

Of emphatic emphasis beyond the common norm!

The colon had its list of one, two, three and four,

But as of yet the semi had not found an open door.

Full stops and commas were splattered across the page,

Whilst little semi waited patiently for his chance to be laid!

Could you aid his deliverance and answer his call?

Would you be his partner at the local grammar ball?

Could a dot above a comma be the thing that rocks your boat?

Or, does his old-fashioned usage still stick in your throat?

Some achieve greatness, some have it made,

But what fate awaits the semi-colon who wants to be laid?

 

Conundrums

If a tree didn’t grow upright,
But grew upside down.
Then the roots would be on show
And the branches underground!

If that was the case
No longer could one say
That on a gentle breeze
The leaves did sway!

If grass was not green,
But was a shade of brown
Then those who walk in cow pastures
Should take care when they lay down!

If the day wasn’t the day
But it was night instead
Would I get the day as well
To spend my time in bed?

If the sky was the ground
And the ground was the sky
Would we measure things by depth
Rather than how high?

 

I Don’t Want To Get Wet

Rid me, rid me, rid me of insanity.
Drive me, guide me towards all that is sane.

Show me, take me along the path to purity,
But not right now as it’s just about to rain!

Clear me, clear me of all signs of lunacy.
Make me rational and sound of mind.

Save me, haul me onto the road to clarity,
But take an umbrella if you’d be so kind!

Fill me, fill me with words of obscurity,
So no one reads them and can tell what I mean.

Load me, burden me with utter verbosity,
But if it’s still raining send a limousine!

 

My Pet Mouse

Some days I get confused
And on some, I forget my name
But that’s not my mouse’s fault
Nor is the whisky to blame.

My mouse’s name is Harry,
But he doesn’t know that.
He has a personality complex
And he thinks he’s a rat.

I thought I’d bought an elephant.
The salesman said he would grow.
But he’s been that size for years
So I don’t think that will be so.

Some neighbours said I was mad
I should have bought a frog.
But I had a lead already
So it was a mouse or a dog!

I’m off to take the pills now
As my head has a pain.
Be sure to take an umbrella
On days that are due to rain.

That was my mistake.
I forgot mine one day
And the rain got to my brain
At least that’s what they say!

 

Never Be Ordinary

Never grab a bull where it hurts

And don’t dunk a crumpet in your tea.

Otherwise, you’ll be in a mental home

In the padded cell next to me!

When it is cold wear a hat

To keep your brains in your head.

And never be ordinary

Until the day that you’re dead!

© 2017, Danny Kemp All rights reserved

Danny Kemp

 

 

 

 

 

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About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel —The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do? Nowadays he is a prolific storyteller and in May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada and Australia. Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning. He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as —the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live' television in the UK.
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2 Responses to Today’s News

  1. You’re on a roll Danny, keep going. I’m loving it.☺☺☺☺

  2. Danny Kemp says:

    LOLOLOL

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