Today’s News

 

Projectile Malfunction

Freddy suffered badly from projectile malfunction.
No matter what method he used his rocket would not work.
He tried this and he tried that, without any satisfaction,
Always ended up, feeling like a jerk!

 

What’s In a Title?

If The “Nut” never needed the “Cracker?”
Where would the “Lake” be without the “Swan?”
Did that “Duck” always remain “Ugly”
And why did it take so long for the “Pea” to be gone?
Supposing the “Amazons” had swallowed the “Swallows,”
Then where would we all be?
Perhaps in a “Boat” with “Three Men” drifting out to sea.
If there had only been the best of times,
Then would“The Tale Of two Cities” ever have been told?
And I hope I get some “Artificial Intelligence”
Before I get too old!

 

The Semi-Colon Who Wanted To Be Laid

The little semi-colon sat with a conscience heavily weighed.

In the corner, he waited patiently with the hope of getting laid.
(don’t jump to conclusions)

On a page not written but gasping to get out,

From the writer’s mind as he struggled with the form

Of emphatic emphasis beyond the common norm!

The colon had its list of one, two, three and four,

But as of yet the semi had not found an open door.

Full stops and commas were splattered across the page,

Whilst little semi waited patiently for his chance to be laid!

Could you aid his deliverance and answer his call?

Would you be his partner at the local grammar ball?

Could a dot above a comma be the thing that rocks your boat?

Or, does his old-fashioned usage still stick in your throat?

Some achieve greatness, some have it made,

But what fate awaits the semi-colon who wants to be laid?

 

Conundrums

If a tree didn’t grow upright,
But grew upside down.
Then the roots would be on show
And the branches underground!

If that was the case
No longer could one say
That on a gentle breeze
The leaves did sway!

If grass was not green,
But was a shade of brown
Then those who walk in cow pastures
Should take care when they lay down!

If the day wasn’t the day
But it was night instead
Would I get the day as well
To spend my time in bed?

If the sky was the ground
And the ground was the sky
Would we measure things by depth
Rather than how high?

 

I Don’t Want To Get Wet

Rid me, rid me, rid me of insanity.
Drive me, guide me towards all that is sane.

Show me, take me along the path to purity,
But not right now as it’s just about to rain!

Clear me, clear me of all signs of lunacy.
Make me rational and sound of mind.

Save me, haul me onto the road to clarity,
But take an umbrella if you’d be so kind!

Fill me, fill me with words of obscurity,
So no one reads them and can tell what I mean.

Load me, burden me with utter verbosity,
But if it’s still raining send a limousine!

 

My Pet Mouse

Some days I get confused
And on some, I forget my name
But that’s not my mouse’s fault
Nor is the whisky to blame.

My mouse’s name is Harry,
But he doesn’t know that.
He has a personality complex
And he thinks he’s a rat.

I thought I’d bought an elephant.
The salesman said he would grow.
But he’s been that size for years
So I don’t think that will be so.

Some neighbours said I was mad
I should have bought a frog.
But I had a lead already
So it was a mouse or a dog!

I’m off to take the pills now
As my head has a pain.
Be sure to take an umbrella
On days that are due to rain.

That was my mistake.
I forgot mine one day
And the rain got to my brain
At least that’s what they say!

 

Never Be Ordinary

Never grab a bull where it hurts

And don’t dunk a crumpet in your tea.

Otherwise, you’ll be in a mental home

In the padded cell next to me!

When it is cold wear a hat

To keep your brains in your head.

And never be ordinary

Until the day that you’re dead!

© 2017, Danny Kemp All rights reserved

Danny Kemp

 

 

 

 

 

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About Danny Kemp

I was at work one sunny November day in 2006, stopped at a red traffic light when a van, driven incompetently, smashed into me. I was taken to St Thomas' Hospital and kept in for a while, but it was not only the physical injuries that I suffered from; it was also mental ones. I had lost confidence in myself let alone those around me. The experts said that I had post-traumatic stress disorder, which I thought only the military or emergency personnel suffered from. On good days, I attempted to go to work, sometimes I even made it through Blackwell Tunnel only to hear, or see, something that made me jump out of my skin and that's when the anxiety attacks would start. I told my wife that I was okay and going regularly, but I wasn't. I could not cope with life and thought about ending it. Somehow or other with the help of my wife and medical professionals, I managed to survive and ever so slowly rebuild my self-esteem. It took almost four years to fully recover, but it was during those dark depressive days that I began to write. My very first story, Look Both Ways, Then Look Behind, found a literary agent but not a publisher. He told me that I had a talent, raw, but nevertheless, it was there. His advice was to write another story and that I'm delighted to say, I did. The success of that debut novel, The Desolate Garden, was down to sheer hard work, luck, and of course, meeting a film producer.
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2 Responses to Today’s News

  1. You’re on a roll Danny, keep going. I’m loving it.☺☺☺☺

  2. Danny Kemp says:

    LOLOLOL

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