A letter to The Mayor of London.

Dear Sir, and all those who tirelessly serve the interests of working Londoners.

As the Tour Of France was hosted here in London on a working day, ie. Monday, I have proposals for the remaining four days, that five million plebs had previously committed to work. These proposals would thereby solve the traffic chaos and air quality in the worlds financial centre.  

They are:

1) Each Monday, the whole of London would be dedicated to two-wheeled forms of transport. That way all cyclist would be suffocated by the fumes discharged from motorcyclist, and the noise their exhausts make could be orchestrated into a more suitable National Anthem. Perhaps, God Save The Air, or We Will Ride Wherever We Want!

Of course word would spread, and London would become devoid of working people each Monday.

2) Tuesday would be a great day for celebrating freedom in all its shapes and sizes. Vikings could be remembered, as could the Normans. Socialism commiserated upon, with a special Tuesday set apart for Tony Blair and his countless lies. All other demonstrations for ‘might against right’ could be held on this day.

Again, my closing statement to that first proposal would apply.

3) The state opening of Parliament would be done every Wednesday instead of twice yearly, as is now practiced. Interspersed with this, the British Grand Prix, and other such motoring events could be held. The Queen would then have an extra day off from opening bottles of single malt, or smashing then against the plenitude of naval vessels built in our time. The traffic chaos, caused by this midweek ceremony, would finally persuade all the sane minded to avoid the centre of London.

4) Thursday would, in my proposals, be dedicated to those who serve in the emergency services. They could be escorted around the Capital viewing the homes, gardens and financial interests of all the politicians, leading Civil Servants and of course Royalty. Time would then be allocated for a discussion to be held in Trafalgar Square addressing the imbalance of morality, trust and virtue. As all traffic would be halted each Thursday, London would be empty of working people.

5) Fridays would be turned over to Big Business. You know them, the ones that donate to politicians pockets in one way or another! One Rolls Royce after another Bentley would follow in tandem, along the ‘congestion route’ at five miles per hour, with a scantily dressed, flag carrying, buxom lady walking in front. The pavements would be lined by onlookers getting ready to celebrate a peaceful weekend when London, once more, is turned into a Circus for every minority group in the Country!

If my proposals are accepted by your esteemed self, I ask for no praise nor recognition for bringing about your aim of the closure of London in such a simple way. I would humbly request a plaque being cast with the following words transcribed….

Long Live London And All Those Who Served Her Best Interests.

It could then be thrown into the Thames whenever you wish.

Danny Kemp,

Sadly not living In Samuel Johnson’s day, but Boris’s instead!

© 2014, Danny Kemp. All rights reserved.