Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – July 26th 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Lottery Win and Appearances Count

Another night of laughter at the “Smorgasbord Invitation Blog Magazine”

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp.. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

Be careful what you say in public.

A young Minister about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation’s attention.

“Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them,” the old Minister told him.

“For example: ‘Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'”

He smiled at the young Ministers shocked look before adding, “She was my mother.”

The next Sunday the Minister nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, “Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.”

He was pleased with the…

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Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – June 30th 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Law Suits and Pit Stops

Another night on the mic. Have a laugh at Sally’s Smorgasbord Café.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp.. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

Careful what you wish for!

Sadie, a 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

God replied, “no, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, Sadie decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

Having finished all her treatment she…

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The Missing Fingers From Samothrace

I can’t speak for other people, but whenever I get to the end of a novel to type those two innocuous words —The End—I’m overcome with conflicting emotions.
The first to strike at me is elation—wow! If for no other reason I should be proud of myself for creating something original. The next feeling is. I think, —I’ve got to read it;—yet again. This time with my eye on every last detail.

My publisher has an editor, as well as a proofreader, but it’s my work and I want to do most, if not all the editing myself. Plus, I don’t want the proofreaders to know what an imbecile I am when it comes to English grammar, now do I? Mind you, they might already know.

Anyway, let’s get to the point. I wrote the two words —The End—yesterday afternoon in a novel I have been trying to write since late in 2019. I can’t be more explicit than that, as I didn’t keep a diary because I did not think there was a need, nor would it take this amount of time.

I’ve had a variety of health issues that I shall not bother you with other than saying I had my first operation in January 2020, with writing pushed firmly away to wait on a Word Document inside this computer. The novel, my only work, was on hold for over a year until my health improved and I thought I was up to adding something to it.

I then poured another cup of coffee all over the keyboard. My second computer in my investigations into discovering if Apples like Kenco coffee.

After several hours spent on phone calls to Apple’s brilliant helpline (I couldn’t go to the shop. I even had to get a neighbour to go there to buy it for me, along with the correct download cable) I was successful in transferring the files from the old one to the new computer.

According to my Apple Expert Helper, my accident couldn’t have happened at a worse time in the whole of computer history. There had been one huge upgrade in the same week that meant some of the stuff on my ruined machine would not transfer—-Help, I screamed at the download downloading for hours without telling me what was happening.

Fortunately, the material that would not transfer was not important and I still had the fledgling untitled novel. That book was intended to be the third one in The Heirs and Descendant series, where The Desolate Garden and Percy Crow are Book One and Book Two, but as soon as I finished reading through it from the beginning, I had to have some other medical complaint rectified which meant any attempt at writing the story was abandoned.

From the backend of last year until now, apart from one operation on my right hand, (the left hand should be operated on later this month) I’ve had a medically clear time. Add that time to an increased disability in being able to walk, and it gave me plenty of opportunities to write.

During my relatively inactive time, the story started to build into what became my life, giving me more broad windows with fictional views. Not only did I have the beautiful garden I look out on every day to inspire me I now had the pictures my characters were looking at, as well as the sounds their ears were listening to and, in certain circumstances, the perfumes that filled the surrounding air. In all, I had several other lives I had to control. Lives where I could decide when death knocked loudly on the door to the room where they were, but I also controlled the way death arrived, and how it was administered.

This story just would not stop my fingers from typing it, yes, I deleted, I retyped, I moved paragraphs, I changed characters’ names. But to actually stop, no! Not until yesterday, after some 632 pages and 208,000 words.

I’m going to TRY to split this epic into two, making it books three and four in the series I mentioned, in order to make this series the same as my other series of four books, but I’m not sure if I can manage that. I’ll see. For now, I shall listen to the chapters of The Widow’s Son I’ve yet to hear from the narrator who’s on chapter twenty-six and I’m only on chapter eighteen.

I might be able to get outside in the garden soon and then, who knows, I might find my walking legs!

Daniel Kemp
© 2022, Daniel Kemp All rights reserved.

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Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – May 26th 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Out of the mouths of Babes and Church Notices

Thank you for this, Sally. You’re very generous.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp.. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

So, Ronnie and Eric are in their usual haunt having a few refreshments.

Ronnie says to Eric, “I just finished reading a new book entitled “You Can Be the Man of Your House.”

“So, I went into the kitchen and walked directly up to my wife.”

Ronnie continued “Following the book’s advice I pointed a finger in her face and said sternly,

“from now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and that my word is the law!” Undaunted he carried on.

“You will prepare me my favourite meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me my favourite dessert.”

”After dinner, you…

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SILENCE

SILENCE

The dead stand in silence forming a line
Hand in hand waiting for more hands to entwine.
Their eyes are closed with mouths askew
Then they watch as the bullets slam into you.

All lives were shattered leaving nothing to stand,
As the blood of war stained each grain of sand.
They laughed those warmongers standing so far away
As the cameras were loaded for another bloody day.

Do shells preach the truth, does death tell no lie?
Shall we all wave goodbye to truth and watch it die?
Can the death of children be an answer? Can war be a game?
Is it the dead who stand in silence who are taking the blame?

© 2022 Daniel Kemp All Rights Reserved

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Pride

Can you remember the words that were spoken,
or the words in the song,
listing all the things we’d done wrong?

Did the world collide, did it end?
Did the nuclear bomb send us all around the bend?
Or are we still here making a mess,
never having learned, what was best?

Did we really just flit past
without even making a draught?

* * *

Are the children of today better than us?
Will they use the new words like environmental,
as they climb over our …. and twist an ankle?

There is nothing as dangerous as a democracy
when the government can’t afford to be
because all are poor and living in poverty.

Save the earth for what?
Well, first you will have to remember
Everything we forgot!

If there’s a God floating high on a cloud
I doubt very much He’s feeling proud?
And if I’m right and He feels no pride,
Then there’s no point in me trying to hide.

GOOD LUCK

© 2022 Daniel Kemp All Rights Reserved


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Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – March 24th 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp

I’m on the Mic again at the Smorgasbord Café.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp.. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

And for dessert some snippets and when all hope appears lost….

Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year…
But the venues couldn’t agree about who should go on first…

*****

People have always named children after expensive things, Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay next year watch out for Electric, Gas and Petrol.

*****

I’m currently reading a book called ‘Swimming the English Channel’ by Francis Near

*****

And a follow up to the recent storms in our area

With these high winds, I’m worried about the caravan on my driveway, especially as 10 minutes ago I didn’t have a caravan on my driveway!

GARDEN CLEARANCE…

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To Pay The Price

To Pay the Price

I sit and wish for silence bereft of any sound.
But echoes of saddening voices are resounding all around.

I hear people in the shadows that pass noisily in the night,
They make me wish for anonymity and be hidden out of sight.

Is loneliness so full of sadness that it’s so hard to recognise,
Or is the taste in the tears of sorrow that are waiting to be cried?

It feels as if pain waits in every doorway, every place I go?
Does it lurk on every corner? Does know what I know?

Will staying away from shadows make the evil go away?
Or can solitude be the answer if the price is not too high to pay?

© 2022 Daniel Kemp. All rights reserved.

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Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine –January 20th 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Eye openers and Husbanding

Some humour to share with you from—Smorgasbord Laughter—Have a laugh to lighten your day.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp.. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

An eye opener

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes…

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Christmas Day

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very happy Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Stay Safe and Well

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